A year ago today a woman drove into the back of my car while I was stopped at traffic lights.

The resulting injuries I was left with have seen me have two discs replaced with artificial ones in my neck, my participation in competitive sport is over and I live with chronic pain and severe limitations to normal life.

I had hoped that surgery and the physio rehab program would see me recover sufficiently to resume work full-time but I did not recover at the expected rate so I lost my job. The explanation had been until now that the failure to recover was probably due to the length of time and amount of pressure key nerves were put under as I waited for a diagnosis and surgery, nerves do not have much of a blood supply so they take a long time to bounce back; however, my surgeon has just informed me that my latest x-ray shows that one of the new discs is not sitting quite where it should be.

At this point he wants to review me with another x-ray in 6 weeks. What precisely he is hoping will change in 6 weeks, I am not sure, but it sounds like more surgery could be on the cards.

The amount of compensation ACC will make available for me to make up for the fact I cannot, under New Zealand law, sue the woman who did this to me looks set to be less than $4,000 NZD - I am sure the leftys who want to keep accident compensation in the hands of the state think this will make me "wealthy" and I should be more than happy.

It is official.

I have lost my job; termination due to medical incapacity.

This happened last week, the same day I got my news about my recovery setback, but due to the details needing to be sorted I couldn't say anything til it was official.

Yesterday was my goodbye morning tea, Matt and I cleared out my office and I have my final pay ... so I guess it is official now. I am unemployed.

Given I had the coolest job ever, I have been grieving quite a bit but it is the best decision. Work had held my place since the car accident back in March 08 and had had temp after temp - none of whom could do my legal role, they had to learn the ropes then they would leave then a new temp would come in... none of them were full time (temp rates) so I am amazed that work held the position for me as long as they did; it is the kind of company they are, though, really supportive and caring about their employees. (Legally an employer does not have to hold your job for you if you are off due to an accident at all under New Zealand law.)

I knew the stress my incapacity was putting my managers and the business under and I felt guilty for letting them down, even though I knew it was not my fault, so I don't blame them at all. They have been really supportive and nice and kind and like my 8 year old daughter said to me, "don't be sad Mum, if you had done something bad and been fired they wouldn't be giving you a goodbye party."

The morning tea was really nice. The whole office, not just my team were there, even some of the managers I knew from the factory. They put on an amazing spread and made speeches, gave me a card and a gift and even let me out of my bonding agreement with no penalty. They were so nice it was hard not to cry. I came home really sore, far too much standing and sitting, but I wanted to make my peace with saying good-bye so it was worth it.

So dawns a new chapter in my life.

The scary part now for us now is that my job was our main source of income. I was the bread winner.

Matt has spent nearly 3 years trying to find permanent, full-time employment as a lecturer to no avail. There just are not that many vacancies out there; such is the nature of the field. He is either under qualified, in that, he has not had several years of full-time lecturing under his belt or they assume that his PhD and his PhD level capabilities mean he cannot speak to or teach lay people or first-years - frustrating because his substantial 11 years experience teaching part-time has mostly been to first-years and lay people.

Ironically, he has had approaches from the secondary school sector to train as a high school teacher and teach teenagers philosophy and religious studies. This came off the back of a high school head of department inviting him to and actually seeing him teach a classroom of teenagers.

It's nuts really. This blog is a working example of Matt's range. Sure he can go way over the average lay person's head (Philosphy is a complex discipline and he does hold a PhD in it) but then so too can he dial it down (because he has met a few people without PhD's in philosophy and it has occurred to him that they don't speak his language). His references, from highly respected members of his field, specifically highlight his ability to explain complex philosophical concepts to lay people in simple language and that his patience and teaching style with those not philosophically trained is excellent. They go out of their way to state that he is exceptional in this area. One is a current ethics adviser to the New Zealand government and the other is the former head of the Evangelical Theological Society. Both have actually seen him teach.

As you can probably tell this really peeves me. Matt is brilliant, definately one of the best Christian Philosophers in the country. [Objective, non-nepotistic statement - why does the wife always get accused of that?] However, on Monday, Matt is heading to teachers training college to get a diploma to pursue a second-choice career and we are going to spend a very scary year living on ACC (80% of my income - not nearly enough to live on with my medical expenses that ACC do NOT cover). This income will end the minute I recover and plunge us into a financial hole - the odds of me landing and beginning a new job the minute I am better are not huge... Matt does not qualify for student allowance, we are extremely reluctant to look at welfare anyway given our worldviews.

He could flag the teaching diploma in favour of a low skilled job (his qualifications are in Philsophy after all) but then what would he do - stack supermarket shelves? Pump gas? For how long? If the secondary sector are falling over themselves to nab him and there is nothing on offer by way of permanent, roof-overhead-food-on-table tertiary sector employment it is a no brainer.

So it is going to be a year of living by faith and a path away from where Matt really wants to be, should be, unless something gives.

I am clear on the correct Christian approach to this situation; I have peace and I trust in God's providence come what may. However, I also have a duty before God to play the hand I have been dealt to the best of my ability; as such, if you are looking for a Philosophy or Theology Lecturer who can teach Theology, Ethics, Apologetics, Critical Thinking, History of Philosophy; we will relocate anywhere in the world. Email Matt for his CV, Transcripts and References and, of course, peruse the blog for writing samples.
[Delete the NOSPAM in the email address before sending]

I saw my surgeon this week and had confirmed what we expected; my recovery is outside the norm, I am not doing as well as expected. This means an extra month off work, at least, and no time frame as to when I can expect to return to work. Most people are back at work by now and fast working towards resuming full-time duties and are barely on any pain medication.

On the bright side the surgeon is not yet worried about my long term recovery prospects. There is still hope I can improve.

This is very frustrating for Matt and I as I am still fairly useless in terms of my ability to work, parent, blog, run the house and function in general and I still need a lot of care and support and drugs which screw with my brain. Living with ongoing pain and numbness and the limits that causes is very hard to take some days too - not to mention the financial implications.

We have been digesting this for a few days, hence the silence on the blog, but I am determined to get back to as close to normal as possible so Matt should have a few blogs up over the next day or so and I will keep working on doing the same too.

After a rather intense 10 days or so following my surgery I am today going to attempt a return to the blogosphere.

Thanks everyone who left messages, sent emails and prayed for us and those who didn't because they don't but like PC, sent well wishes instead; the support was really appreciated. Matt read me your comments when I was in hospital and it was really cool.


My head feels a lot clearer now but it is still not 100%. I am still in a lot of pain though and I think that's going to take a while but the drugs do their thing so it is manageable. Apparently I am supposed to feel well enough to return to full time work in 3 weeks time. It seems hard to believe but if I could be pain free soon that would be great.

I picked Madeleine up from hospital this morning. She is doing ok but has had severe migraines from a combination of the drugs and the stiffness in her neck.

Her neck wound is healing well and appears to be smaller than we thought it would be which is good. None-the-less she wants to send me scarf shopping anyway (she wants to cover up the dressing/scar on her neck from the surgery) .... where does a man go scarf shopping without anyone noticing?

Madeleine has had her surgery. It appears to have gone well though we don’t see the surgeon until latter today to hear the official verdict. Thanks for all the supportive comments and e-mails.

UPDATE: The surgeon informed us yesturday that the proceedure was 'text book' Madeleine is already feeling some improvement in her neck. She is however very tired and will be in hospital recovering for the next couple of days.

This is my last post before Cervical Arthroplasty surgery tomorrow to remove two discs in my neck and replace them with artificial metal ones. My surgeon says it is a straight-forward procedure and there is nothing to worry about; he also said "We make an incision in the front of your neck and we cut the damaged discs away from your spinal cord, possible side effects include death, nerve damage and paralysis." Easy for him to say don't worry.

Whilst I am not looking forward to tomorrow at all I am looking forward to the hope that by this time tomorrow the corner will have been turned on the pain, the drugs and all the hassles I have lived with since my car accident back in March; I will finally be able to begin moving forward.

Going on the log flume ride at Rainbow's end last week and being struck with pain and feeling like bone was scraping on bone in my neck, as the boat jerked after the ride pulled it up to the next level (I was fine on the slides), reinforced that I have to do this; the log flume ride is hardly adventurous and yet when I got off it I was shaken, I had an instant headache and my neck was mad at me.

I do not know when I will be up to blogging again, it will all depend on the success of the surgery and my pain levels post-op. I do intend to take the laptop with me into hospital but it has no internet connection and who knows if I will be able to type or think - mostly I am taking it to be able to watch DVD's.

I do not know how much blogging Matt will be able to do since I won't be able to edit his posts (he has a typing impairment) and he will be holding the fort at home but rest assured we will be back.

I finally got a date for my impending cervical disc replacement surgery:

9 December 2008.

I promptly changed my hair and went blonde - its one thing I get to control I guess.

And no, I won't be arguing the case for the rationality of changing one's hair when faced with life changing events!

I missed the ACT and National party launches. I missed the leaders debate and with no TV, radio or internet - save only Tuesday's herald the old guy in the bed next to mine gave me - I have no clue whats new with the election and current events.

Frantically trying to catch up, thank goodness for TVNZ's On Demand and TV3's Video On Demand. I am working on some blogs - Matt is frantically trying to keep up with work so he may not have anything til after his lectures have finished this week.

I have needle tracks down both arms to rival a junkie – better not be hot the next few days, cause I am not leaving my house without long sleeves!

Four days of no food, no coffee either which caused a rotten stinking morpheine-resistant migraine from caffeine withdrawal, a range of tests all involving needles and one gastroscopy later (real fun having a camera look around your tummy), the diagnosis was tummy inflammation caused by months of taking pain-pills for my neck. The car accident sucks on a new level.

It’s settled now, thankfully it was only a “minor irritation” (would hate to think what a major one feels like).

Roll on surgery.

In the last post I noted our intention to attend the ACT party launch on Sunday.

We would love to have posted a review of what we saw today, however, unfortunately we never made it. Madeleine has, it appears, had an adverse reaction to the pain meds she has been on since her car accident. As a result, she was admitted to hospital on Saturday night.

It is not serious, but she is still undergoing tests so we can figure out exactly what occurred.

Hopefully she will be back up blogging soon.

UPDATE WEDNESDAY:
Madeleine is back home today, one more test to run as an outpatient - hopefully her surgery will happen soon so she can get off the pain drugs.

Got a letter from ACC this morning:

"ACC has approved an application to fund your treatment as follows:
Cervical Disc Replacement (Arthoplasty)"

They have been sitting on this application for ages despite me being classified as "high priority." Anyhow, now the hospital has to grant me a surgery date within 4 weeks.

Needless to say I am pretty freaked. It's really happening.

I got my MRI results on Tuesday. They show damage to two discs, both are compressed. One is more compressed than the other, the other is protruding and pushing on a nerve, hence all the pain.

I have two choices. Do nothing and see if it fixes itself (its been almost 5 months). Have surgery to remove the damaged discs and replace them with artificial ones.

There is no choice really. I cannot stay on the drugs I am on for much longer. My quality of life is awful, everything I do is limited by "I can'ts" because of the injury. If it was going to fix itself surely it would have at least improved by now. On the other hand, surgery means I will be out of pain and will be able to do anything pretty much (including equestrian eventing eventually - though apparently I can't consider being a front-row forward).

Surgery on my neck is frightening. It will leave a scar on the front of my neck and as good as the results will be I will never quite be as good as I was before.

I have three weeks to 'decide.' I have already decided but I am going to seek a second opinion just to be sure.

I am extremely angry and frustrated. I want to kick inanimate objects and scream.

As you know I returned to work this week for the first time following the months I have been off work due to a car accident. I only worked 6 hours but I was feeling so good, especially yesterday when my manager asked me to create a new confidentiality agreement for the company as that's the kind of thing they need me for, that only I can do for the company (out of the other employees I mean). I guess I am trying to convey that I felt needed or missed and that that felt good because this accident has made me feel useless and limited and frustrating to others and like I have let work down by being injured even though the accident was not my fault.

Then last night Sherry, my 16 year old daughter, sent me a text to be picked up from youth group with the reminder "tell Dad I need to pay for the ski trip, he needs to bring $85 each for Christian and me when he picks me up." I couldn't find the cheque book so Matt said he would stop off at the ATM and get cash on the way. As he was finding his keys and wallet I rang phone banking to check the account balance and discovered instead of having ample money our account was overdrawn by nearly $200. I listened to the last 10 transactions - nothing out of the ordinary so I checked the past deposits - there was only Matt's pay, nothing from ACC, I hadn't been paid for over a week - but they had all my med certificates, everything was up to date from my end.

Crap! I must have eftpossed about half a dozen times yesterday as I had gone into town to meet DF1 for coffee and I'd grabbed gas, I'd parked... I knew Matt had been eftpossing too as had to had to buy a birthday present for a party the kids went to yesterday after school and he had texted asking where the wrapping paper was and had gone out and bought more and he'd gotten gas too and he had grabbed takeout when we'd gotten home... argh! all I could think about was the bank's policy of charging for each and every separate transaction over the overdraft limit. I felt sick.

I phoned ACC first thing this morning. My case manager had the day off, could I please phone him back on Monday? I was not about to start racking up visa charges or losing interest by funneling money from our on call account over the weekend to fit around his leave and their screw up - I mean if I hadn't had to live the past 4 months on 80% of my income forking out for ACC surcharges that they don't reimburse at the doctors fortnightly I might have a tad more loose change in my everyday account. I politely refused to call back on Monday and firmly asked to be put onto someone else.

A different case manager explained that the first week you go back to work there is always a delay in your payments as you have to work the week and then your employer has to advise ACC your hours the following week and then they pay you, so don't worry, you'll get paid next week on Tuesday or Wednesday. Further, as you not getting paid is not due to an error on ACC's part we will not be advancing you any money any sooner. I had the following things to say:

Nice of you to tell me this always happens AFTER I discovered all my regular transactions and automatic payments put my bank account into overdraft. Thanks for the warning.

Who is going to pay my bank fees?

Who is going to explain to my bank that I am not the slack incompetent I now look like thanks to this lack of information?

How can you fix the embarassment my teenagers feel being the only kids who did not pay for their ski camp in their group of friends and ended up feeling like the poor kids when the youth group leaders were all sympathetic?

Who is going to explain how this looks on my mortgage application that we intend to apply for the minute I have resumed full time work and we know I am over my injury?

Who is going to reimburse me for my lost interest on the money I have now had to swipe out of my savings account?

I am sure you can guess the answers to these questions.


Questions I did not ask that I wanted to:

Why can't I sue the person responsible for putting me in this mess in the first place?

Why do I have to put up with this ridiculous, insufficient, incompetent, bumbling excuse for compensation that the government has no business having anything to do with in the first place?

Why am I being penalised for returning to work?

As you know I was involved in a car accident some months back and have had ongoing issues with my neck and back as a result rendering me unable to work and in pain daily. I have had a lot of support through this site and I wanted to take the time to thank those of you who have left messages and sent emails. It has been very difficult to accept that I am injured as I am someone who does not do sitting still well and I have real issues with not being able to do things because of situations beyond my control.

Four months on I still do not have a full diagnosis as to why I live in pain and why sometimes out of the blue the pain flares up so badly I cannot function. My x-rays are clear so we know there is no bone injury but the first attempt at an MRI to look at soft tissue injuries was a bit of a disaster due to my suffering severe claustrophobia around tunnels (I am ok in lifts and cupboards, etc just nothing shaped like a tunnel) and the fact that I struggle to convince medical professionals that my body metabolises sedatives and anaesthetics freakishly fast meaning I am difficult to sedate. The drug they used for MRI attempt 1 was a drug I knew would not work on me as I have a history of it not working on me but they decided that it works on everyone and that I was just being hysterical so they gave it to me. It did not work, the claustrophobia made me move too much and they did not get a clear scan.

It has been quite depressing at times accepting what has happened and incredibly maddening that we have this ridiculous no fault ACC system which means I cannot sue the woman who caused the accident. I am left forking out a $22 surcharge per doctors visit every second week and I have to live on 80% of my income and my law studies and my career are in jeopardy and my family has to put up with my mood swings when I am in pain not to mention was living on all these drugs is doing to my kidneys. To add insult to injury my new car is not as fuel efficient as the one that got destroyed in the accident, its stereo has stopped working for no apparent reason and it has started leaking in the rain!

Complaining aside, things are starting to feel like they are looking up though. Today we did MRI attempt 2. This time they asked me which drug I thought they should use and we used one that had worked in the past. They told me it was heavy duty and would take me out for the day (yet here I am writing a blog entry). Again it did not work anywhere near as well as they thought it would but it did take the edge off the panic so I was able to control the claustrophobia and lie still and they are confident that this time they got the images they needed. So this time next week I should have a diagnosis - yay!

Initially Madeleine was diagnosed with whiplash but her pain levels were extreme and she was constantly back and forward with her doctor adjusting pain relief regimes and reducing her work hours. Finally, at work one morning she lost feeling in her arms and legs so was rushed to the doctors and ordered to basically lie on the couch - no work, no driving, no walking anywhere, no physio and of course no horse riding. She was referred to a neck and spine surgeon who ordered an MRI scan.

There was a very real risk that something far more serious than just whiplash had been missed hence the extreme caution imposed by the doctors. Thankfully we now have the results of all the tests and know that she will recover and that there will be no serious long term effects. A disk in her neck was damaged and it will take time to come right. She has another month off work and then they will reassess her to see if she can resume work part-time. The good news is she is allowed off the couch and can drive and walk short distances (long distances cause too much pain).

I have been attending her lectures and tutorials at Uni and taping them for her and taking notes so that she could maintain her law studies. She sat her first test of the year last night and is very sore today but she has done well to have kept up with her readings and with making herself sit through the taped lectures.

Her car was written off but the insurance payout was twice the agreed value so at least that was something. We are not sure if the police have charged the driver who caused the accident, I hope they have as the woman that hit her never even came to check Madeleine was ok, Madeleine never even saw her face. Apparently she just got on her cell phone and stayed by her car! It was passers by and the people in the car in front of her that came to her aid. Even when the ambulance officers took her out of the car the driver at fault kept away.

Our lives have been turned upside down, Madeleine has been in awful pain and has to live on pain drugs, her career has been jeopardised (well not really as her employers are so amazingly supportive - but it will be hard for her to pick things up when she goes back as the nature of her job is very full on with lots of balls to juggle), her income is at 80% and a lot of her medical costs are not covered by ACC at all, her long awaited resumption of her LLB has been put at risk, she had to withdraw from the remainder of the equestrian events for the season and next season looks in doubt after winning her last start and this woman couldn't even say sorry or check she was ok.

On my way from work to Uni Madeleine was stopped at traffic lights today and another driver drove into the back of her. She was taken to hospital and her car looks like a write off.